Are you afraid of being embarrassed?

We feel ashamed when we believe we have publicly violated some social norm. This may mean that we have made a decision that was not in line with a cultural expectation (and at least one other person knows it) or that our essence (who we are), which we consider a deviation, has been altered. exposed and despised. Shame is the revelation of pity.

Many who struggle with perfectionism isolate themselves due to chronic illness. fear of shame. They may feel ashamed of their mind and/or body, as manifested in body dysmorphia. In both cases, a hyperfocus on perceived flaws, and often an exaggeration of them, contributes to the belief that even if others do not directly express their disdain, the perfectionist must reject them.

The need for certainty, the belief that one knows better, and the feeling of pity (usually because one cannot imagine an alternative) contribute to the maintenance of beliefs about who one is. In fact is. While the individual may even admit to being a perfectionist, on the one hand, on the other hand, they may notice that they have to be because of how terrible each of their flaws are. Perspective is often severely lacking.

It has been repeatedly observed that comparison is the thief of joy, but that is only partially true. Upward comparison, comparing yourself only to others in a way that creates a sense of pain (which is unfair), is the real culprit. Most of the time, perfectionists They do not record their achievements, at least in any meaningful way, discarding them while perpetually reminding themselves of what they they are lacking. So, they assume that others compare them the same way they compare themselves, just adding up all their flaws. For the most part, however, people form nuanced perspectives of others, conceiving of them as they are as a whole, while also recognizing how they have developed. The grace we receive from others may seem like pity when, in reality, they apply the same standards and perspectives to others that they apply to themselves.

This is where introspection can help. We can ask:

1. Are you comparing yourself fairly? Or do you only compare upward, which would mean comparing yourself to an ideal human being when all comparisons are perceived together from a bird’s eye view?

2. Could it be that others notice your flaws but, on the whole, don’t think they are important and see you as a complete individual, with strengths and weaknesses, perhaps even appreciating the totality of who you are?

3. Is it possible that you cannot provide convincing evidence of your shame because what you really feel is just shame? (Shame should arise from the test of ridicule, which many perfectionists do not often experience, even when they are not isolated.)

An often repeated cliché is that you are not you. trauma or not your disorder, but it is more useful and accurate to say: you are much more than those things. It seems that, in terms of how the mind works, when we allow ourselves to appreciate our strengths, our weaknesses feel and seem much less significant. Taken as a whole, everything seems to matter much less. Therefore, if you only compare yourself to certain aspects of others, whether good or bad, it is easy to exaggerate your own good or bad qualities. Everything, as they say, is relative. So, returning to comparison being the thief of joy, I maintain that comparison, in itself, is neither good nor bad; It depends on how the process is used and for what purposes.

For many of us, it would be helpful to examine the emotional benefits of continuing to hold on to these specific beliefs. Do they allow us to continue hiding and externalizing blame? Do they provide us with purpose when we believe perfection is attainable? (We tend to go in circles since the world is cruel with I know I can and should improve). Would we feel like impostors if we decided to believe, again based on evidence, that we are nicer than we think? And do these beliefs allow us to continue dreaming of a life free of pain and fear? Accepting that others appreciate us can be terrifying, especially because doing so involves living with a contradiction, or rather a paradox: I am loved even though I don’t like myself.