My ex-husband cheated on me; Five years later, I’m terrified of having sex again.

Every week The paper asks expert Lucy Cavendish to answer readers’ questions about love, sex and relationships

I haven’t been in a long-term relationship for the last five years. I was previously married to a man I loved very much but it turned out that he was being unfaithful me with an ex-girlfriend. When I found out, I was shocked. I thought we had a really good marriage based on trust, love and respect. We also had a very good sex life.

The last five years I have been trying to get myself together and recover. I met a man and we became friends and now I think he is becoming more than friends. He’s the first man I’ve liked in a long time.

He recently asked me to go with him for the weekend because we’ve been spending a lot of time together and he said he’d like to take me to Paris as a gift. However, I’m really worried about going with him. It’s not just that I don’t know who to trust anymore, but it also terrifies me. having sex because it’s been so long. However, I think it is important to have another imprint on my body other than that of my ex-husband. How do I handle this?

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I’m not surprised you’re feeling nervous. The last man you had a relationship with obviously hurt you immensely and unexpectedly. When that happens, we go into some kind of shock. We really have three responses available: fight, flee or freeze. It seems that the latter is what you have done.

When we are betrayed by someone we love, cracks begin to appear in our body, in our heart and in our soul. It takes a huge amount to heal these cracks. However, it might be helpful to remember that we are all a little battle-scarred when we end a relationship. Even those who want to break up come away a little battered and bruised.

You have very clearly named your lack of confidence and it is totally understandable that you would never trust anyone again for fear of suffering catastrophic harm.

However, it sounds like you did something very sensible, which is to take some time to heal, repair, and figure out what was or wasn’t going on in your marriage.

Sometimes we are desperate for an answer. We endlessly wonder why this person did this? What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with them? But what I want to offer is that often there isn’t really an answer and we have to come to terms with the idea of ​​not really knowing what really happened.

This is not easy because many people want to know what went wrong so as not to repeat the same pattern again; However, you have taken responsibility for healing and tending to your wounded emotions and now you have met a new man. You’ve taken a little time to get to know him. All this is good.

You are also absolutely right to name the fact that you need to have another man’s body in relation to your body. I totally understand that there is still an imprint of your husband on your body. It’s like a hand grenade has exploded or a gun has been fired and debris is still on you. So yes, you need to be intimate with another man; I think this would be very useful.

However, this will not be easy. So here is my advice.

You’ll need to find a way to relax, perhaps by having a couple of glasses of wine. Or it may actually be going to his house or him coming to yours. It may be that going to Paris feels too pressured for you, so hopefully you can let him know that it’s too much for you if that’s how you feel.

What makes you feel sexy? Are you watching an erotic movie or reading something spicy? Are they words, touch or actions? Do you like to be massaged? Do you like to play? Fancy? Role play? Get dressed?

I’m not suggesting anything to scare the horses but this is a wonderful opportunity to let your imagination run wild, and why not? Beautiful, erotic, tender, seductive, love sex It’s so life-affirming, why don’t you imagine how you could enjoy encounters with this new man?

Remember, if all that sounds like a lot, it doesn’t have to be just sex. It can be some kisses, some caresses, some caresses.

Have you kissed him yet? If not, maybe start with that. Also, how does your body feel when you’re around him? Are you excited? Excited? Once you’ve tried a kiss, ask yourself what it feels like.

Then there are the more obvious problems related to things like age and how we feel about our own bodies and all the basic things about arousal. When it comes to that kind of thing (for example, the state of our female gardens), you may need to ask your friends for help.

The Japanese art of kintsugi involves repairing broken things with precious gold. This is how I would like you to think about your heart. It broke and has cracks, but those cracks can be carefully repaired and over time it takes on a new shape.

This man could very well be part of that. I hope I can rekindle your body and your passion and help you remember that sex is a wonderfully magical part of any relationship.

Take a deep breath and let him know what you like. Ask him what he likes. This is new territory for both of you and he’s probably just as nervous as you, so you need to help each other and discover glorious sexual joy together.

Lucy Cavendish is the author of How to have extraordinary relationships. Listen to her podcast, available on her website